What a very unfortunate situation for you and your children to experience! And shame on your in-laws for allowing their personal issues with you (or their son) to be taken out on innocent children; really, appalling behavior.

I don't know if you've tried talking to them about this but I imagine it's difficult. If they're the kind of people who would behave this way in the first place, they're obviously not the kind of people who self-examine and take kindly to criticism or useful suggestions.

I don't know if you've talked to your husband about this; if you have, it's hard for me to understand how he could continue to allow his parents to hurt you and your children without putting his foot down...and firmly! You are in a difficult position because though you're being deeply affected by the insensitive behavior of your in-laws, you have little power to really influence them. But obviously, in the interest of your children, you cannot allow it to continue.

You showed great dignity and wisdom in letting your now-husband know immediately of the size of your family when you met and he not only fell in love with you, but went on to procreate more children with you and together you've made a large and loving family. Except for his parents. And you know who's absolutely obligated to settle this situation? Yep...your husband.

The wife being hurt in this scenario is his, the children being hurt are his and the people hurting them are his parents. Who better to man-up and make things right? You need to tell him the following and demand that he not only embrace the philosophy for the sake of your family, but be the one to firmly, and without delay, set these boundaries for his parents:

"Mom and Dad, I love my wife and children...all of them. When we joined our families together, we did just that: joined together. There is no separation between her kids, my kids and our kids. They're ALL our kids. And therefore, they're ALL your grandkids. And from now on there will no longer be any distinction made between these children...they are equally a part of this family and deserve to be treated as such. You have a choice to make: you can either accept this, take the time and open your hearts to get to know and love each of these children, and when you come to our home and bring gifts or say kind words you include them all equally - OR, you can continue to behave the way you have been. There are obviously consequences to your choice: If you can evolve past the place you've been and become a part of this family under those conditions, you are always welcome here. If you cannot or will not, I'm afraid I can no longer allow any of my children be hurt or feel excluded when you visit, so you will not be allowed to spend time with my family. That will be really unfortunate because I love you and very much want you to be a regular part of our lives. But it will only work under these circumstances. The choice is yours."

Obviously you will re-word this to be more specific for you, but you get the gist. The demand to your husband is that he MUST take charge of fixing this; you cannot. They're not your parents. And if he doesn't want to? If he feels uncomfortable or squeamish about standing up to his parents? Well, then, you've got a marital problem you need to solve first. Marriage and family must be his priority; what's best for the marriage and the family trumps family-of-origin issues, trumps "I can't tell my parents THAT!" issues, it trumps everything. Your husband sounds like a good man. He now needs to be a strong man and take care of his family...all of them, even "your" kids. Even his parents...believe me, he's not doing them a favor by allowing their bad behavior, allowing them to put a wedge between the kids,creating disharmony and hurt feelings that will follow them forever as these kids grow up. They may not know it yet, but they'll be much happier once they drop this hurtful and immature stance and embrace their whole family with love. Make sure your husband thinks about that angle...might help him do the right thing.

But stick to your guns. This is big stuff and you are a Wise Woman! :)

Sincere good luck to you.

Dear Wisewoman31,

This answer will be difficult, as there are children involved. However, you cannot change anyone else's behavior - that is a fact. Based on that fact, we have to rid ourselves of expectations about how others will treat us our children. So, rather than dwelling on what your in-laws are not doing for the children, anticipate that this will always be the way they act, and then always have a backup plan to counter the negative effects of their behavior. For instance, next time you know gift giving will be involved, plan something fun for the kids t do, such as craft making, or baking cookies. If they are making crafts, even drawing funny faces on rocks, then they are not thinking about the fact that their step-Grand Monsters have excluded them - kid’s minds literally follow their hands. As their mother, you can make them feel included and loved by taking their minds off the problem. This may not rid you of the pain involved here, but the first priority is caring for the emotional needs of the kids, and then dealing with your pain separately. This is actually a perfect opportunity to show your kids how to deal with whatever life sends their way. Now, onto you...

If you have not already done so, and if your in-laws are the kind of people who may be open to a meaningful discussion, talk to them and explain how their behavior is affecting you and the children. I would also enlist your husband since they are his parents. That said, I get the feeling that your in-laws may actually not be open to discussion, or even understand this type of healthy approach to familial difficulties, and therefore, may not be able to have a rational discussion of this nature. In that case...

The key here is ACCEPTANCE. I find that my peace of mind is generally equal to the level of expectations I place on others (if I expect something from someone and I get something else, then I am let down = no peace of mind). If I am familiar with a person's behavior patterns, but continually expect something different from that person, then my fault is expecting something different. People do not suddenly change, and it is unlikely that these two people will change. The facts are that other people are not responsible for how I feel, but I am. Knowing that can be a POWERFUL tool for self-care. That is another good lesson that we can teach our children. If we do that early in life, then we give them a better chance for a lifetime filled with peace of mind, rather than worry and anxiety. I suspect that you have had some of that, as have I. As strong, wise women, we have the choice to either change our expectations...or stay stuck. Go forth and allow you inner-Wonder Woman to shine - for you and your children. We do not have to "feel" good to act rightly, but in the end, acting rightly will always lead to feeling good about who we are.